The worst part is in doing that, I always want to give the best and should it be less than perfect (I'm hardly exaggerating, really) or if I feel there is something amiss, it is almost impossible to move on with it and this always, always lead to me getting all depressed and realising I am unable to show what I have in mind and it frustrates me. It frustrates me so much that I start experiencing this overwhelming flow of emotions, mostly negative. This not only halts my progress, but also, it...it breaks me. Times and times and again I tell myself I do not ever want to feel this way again but no it just keeps happening. I can swear to you this eats me up inside so bad that I...I feel ashamed to say this but, it turns me suicidal.

This makes me question myself so much...whether I am actually able to succeed in this course, in this line... Almost always the pressure of the studio daunts on me...I tend to always feel inferior, and that I will almost be stuck at the bottom of the class...Honestly it is not that it matters to me, I do not feel the need or want to be the best but I just hate it so much when I fail to produce what I set out to, when I fail to show my tutor what I can do...It makes me hate my character and how I am so much. I do not get it, how is it possible for someone to fail so many times and still not make a change?! It is bloody annoying and I cannot stress how much I want to change. All these words and no fucking action. I do try you know. 

Of all the times to fail, I had to start failing in my university years and I even had to retain a year for it...I know this is a matter that should be left as the past but it never fails to haunt me. The slightest of things can make me hate myself for not being able to move on with my peers...I thought all the more I would fight harder to get better but, the mindset works but I am just still very slow on my feet, slow with designing, and I just fail to freeze it in time. Always unhappy when it is not the way I want it to be and this brings me to today, when once again I missed out on my submissions, failed to produce stuff on time and have incomplete work. I did not even head over to submit anything, no model, no finalised plans, no sections, no nothing(!); all these stuff are not good enough...

When the hell is it going to get through this thick fucking skull / stubborn brain of mine that half-assed work is better than no ass?! 

Why am I so afraid to fail, and yet still not produce or rush myself to get everything done out earlier and just "fuck it" and go with it from the start instead of trying to perfect every bloody thing...

Why am I unable to just show them my progress instead of a picture perfect work of mine which is obviously impossible to achieve at the beginning??? If I had just stopped being a coward and move forth and allow my tutor / peers to help me and attend my bloody studios, this would not have happened. 

This fear needs to go...

Can somebody please give me strength, I am feeling like such a weak and hopeless human and I am hating myself too much now it is getting unhealthy...